nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
