I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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