Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What a dumb baby whore.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
