Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
