i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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