I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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