we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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