i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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