Cold hands, warm shart.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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