I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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