i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
