Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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