when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
