Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
you never un-have a 4some
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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