In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
