I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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