He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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