I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
