Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
