So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
