anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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