Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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