I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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