I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
