The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
