the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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