Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
