I wish I could teleport
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i think my cat just said my name.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
