Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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