Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
