So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
