Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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