we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
