I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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