Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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