I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
