we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
