no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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