I need to stop coming to work sober
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
