Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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