I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
