I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
