Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
