I'm lost and stupid without you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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