When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
