I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
