when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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