I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
