it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
