I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
