You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
