Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
