just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
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