Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
