fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
