Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
